We all know people who shouldn’t be allowed to go out alone, but thousands of us shouldn’t be allowed to stay either because home is where the pain is. While nearly two years of on-off lockouts were a nirvana for Netflix fans, they were also a danger zone for DIYers who discovered that saws are sharp and lawnmowers are unforgiving. Recent figures from the NHS in England revealed that thousands of people have been injured in their own homes since Covid locked us down with more than 7,000 dog-related injuries and almost 6,000 people coming to be cut with tools at electric hands, suggesting that just because you have time to DIY, it doesn’t mean you should. A snapshot of a Dublin hospital last year reported similar figures, with 17% more home accidents and a huge reduction in sports and road injuries, while 12,000 people needed treatment after having exercised at home in the UK. If we weren’t tripping over the new dog, we were tripping over ourselves. Ladders were a particular hazard with three times the number of injuries reported in the UK and New Zealand, proving there is no escape from gravity. We’re still waiting for numbers on sourdough wrist and the number of people who died of boredom because another person mentioned banana bread. I felt mildly vindicated by the thousands of reported injuries from hot drinks, hot fats and hot oils with a Christmas baking induced burn from a moody move and the wrong time of a hot oven shelf . With the other burns on my arm next door from the same shelf, I now feel like someone has written on me in Norse runes. It says either “Get bigger oven mitts” or “Don’t drink or cook”. I prefer the oven mitt interpretation. The question that arises from the normal human ability to do stupid things and hurt ourselves is not why we do it, but why we tell the truth about it. My most embarrassing hospital treatment was the result of an altercation with a cauliflower. The knife was sharp, the vegetable was stubborn, and while trying to remove the pit, I managed to cut towards myself. Suddenly, that little flap of skin between my thumb and index finger became very flabby. Six stitches and tetanus later, everything was fine. Your life ain’t really rock ‘n’ roll until your hospital notes record a cauliflower-related injury, but if anyone asks, it was a piranha attack, and that fish was bad. A friend won the contest for top grades from the emergency department when his abdominal cramps and orange color were explained by a prolonged carrot binge, recorded as carrot abuse, and not in a good way. I shared a hospital waiting room with a slightly shortened woman who was feeding her neighbor’s dog treats through a fence. When she ran her finger to stroke it, the animal did what animals do. Another suggestion of truth was that she caught her finger in the door of her Maserati, but we went back to the dog because who admits to owning a Maserati. There’s a Covid-related injury that doesn’t need any embellishment. Eight people over the age of 90 have been hospitalized after falling from play equipment, including trampolines. If I still do trampolining at this age, I’ll be shouting it from the rooftops, maybe literally. And it’s better than being hurt by a cauliflower.

We all know people who shouldn’t be allowed to go out alone, but thousands of us shouldn’t be allowed to stay either because home is where the pain is.
While nearly two years of on-off lockdowns were nirvana for Netflix fans, they were also a danger zone for DIYers who discovered saws are sharp and lawn mowers are unforgiving.
Recent figures from the NHS in England revealed that thousands of people have been injured in their own homes since Covid locked us down with more than 7,000 dog-related injuries and nearly 6,000 people coming to be cut with tools at electric hands, suggesting that just because you have time to DIY, it doesn’t mean you should.
A snapshot of a Dublin hospital last year reported similar figures, with 17% more home accidents and a huge reduction in sports and road injuries, while 12,000 people needed treatment after having exercised at home in the UK. If we weren’t tripping over the new dog, we were tripping over ourselves.
Ladders were a particular hazard with three times the number of injuries reported in the UK and New Zealand, proving there is no escape from gravity.
We’re still waiting for numbers on sourdough wrist and the number of people who died of boredom because another person mentioned banana bread.
I felt mildly vindicated by the thousands of reported injuries from hot drinks, hot fats and hot oils with a Christmas baking induced burn from a moody move and the wrong time of a hot oven shelf .
With the other burns on my arm next door from the same shelf, I now feel like someone has written on me in Norse runes. It says either “Get bigger oven mitts” or “Don’t drink or cook”. I prefer the oven mitt interpretation.
The question that arises from the normal human ability to do stupid things and hurt ourselves is not why we do it, but why we tell the truth about it.
My most embarrassing hospital treatment was the result of an altercation with a cauliflower. The knife was sharp, the vegetable was stubborn, and while trying to remove the pit, I managed to cut towards myself. Suddenly, that little flap of skin between my thumb and index finger became very flabby.
Six stitches and tetanus later, everything was fine. Your life ain’t really rock ‘n’ roll until your hospital notes record a cauliflower-related injury, but if anyone asks, it was a piranha attack, and that fish was bad.
A friend won the contest for top grades from the emergency department when his abdominal cramps and orange color were explained by prolonged consumption of carrots, recorded as carrot abuse, and not in a good way.
I shared a hospital waiting room with a slightly shortened woman who was feeding her neighbor’s dog treats through a fence. When she ran her finger to stroke it, the animal did what animals do. Another suggestion of truth was that she caught her finger in the door of her Maserati, but we went back to the dog because who admits to owning a Maserati.
There’s a Covid-related injury that doesn’t need any embellishment.
Eight people over the age of 90 have been hospitalized after falling from play equipment, including trampolines. If I still do trampolining at this age, I’ll be shouting it from the rooftops, maybe literally.
And it’s better than being hurt by a cauliflower.